Do you possess the courage for true intimacy?
Sometimes, the most profound lessons about life and connection emerge from the most unexpected moments. Take, for instance, a sweltering summer night back in ’86, where a chance encounter in a crowded bar led to an unforgettable message. What started with a yellow mini skirt and some Psychedelic Furs soon unveiled a deeper truth about being seen, being loved, and the beautiful, often challenging journey of authentic connection. Join me as we explore true intimacy and how bravely showing up as our full selves can transform our relationships and lives, inspired by a clever phrase found on a dimly lit wall.
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
—David Whyte(“Sweet Darkness” from The House of Belonging)
An Unforgettable Summer Night and a Clever Phrase
On a humid summer night in 1986, I stood in line for the bathroom at Chapel Hill’s legendary bar, He’s Not Here. I was lightheaded from the heat and a couple of beers.
Wearing my favorite yellow mini skirt and Keds sneakers, I danced to the music in my own little world, letting the Psychedelic Furs transport me to another realm.
I accidentally bumped into a man who was walking toward a table in the corner. I immediately put my arm forward while apologizing.
“I’m so sorry!” I yelled over the music.
He looked at me with his head tilted sideways, like he was confused. “Nothing to be sorry for, Darlin’,” he said. “How could I be mad at someone who’s having so much fun?”
“Thanks!” I said, and then under my breath, “Southern charm.”
I turned to let a few people pass and noticed on the wall what looked like script written with a Sharpie. I walked closer. Beneath a faded photograph that curled up from the bottom edges, I read: “For a good time, call a PhD.”
I threw my head back and laughed.
I’ve never forgotten it.
I immediately adored whoever wrote the clever phrase. I loved their creativity, humor, and wisdom. Mostly, though, I loved the affirmation and what it revealed about true intimacy.
I didn’t need to dumb down my intelligence, my desire to learn, my nearly insatiable curiosity. In fact, according to the wall koan, all those attributes contributed to my appeal. I needed to show up as my authentic self, bravely and openly.
Cultivating Deep Connection: True Intimacy in Action
The richest connections arise when intellectual vitality meets emotional attunement and a sincere wish to respond to what another needs.
Agency remains intact. Individual perspective stays alive. The bond grows stronger because each person brings a full self to the meeting. These connections, where full, authentic selves meet, embody true intimacy.
The poet David Whyte speaks of love as an alchemical encounter that breaks us open and expands our capacity to live. Intimacy thrives where curiosity cojoins attention. Desire deepens when we are willing to see another person clearly and allow ourselves to be seen in return.
The courage lies in staying present without shrinking or performing.
David Whyte’s profound insights beautifully underscore the foundational elements required for true intimacy to flourish. Love asks us to bring our questions, our humor, and our appetite for understanding into relationship. When we do, intimacy becomes an opening into something more animated and enduring.
To love in this way requires the willingness to be seen without armor. Intimacy exposes the hidden agreements we have made with safety and invites us to renegotiate them.
The risk feels personal, yet the effect reaches far beyond the self. As one life opens, it contributes to the vitality of the whole.
Whyte suggests that the breaking open we fear carries its own nourishment. When defenses relax, energy long tied up in self-protection becomes available for creativity, compassion, and work that matters.
This vision reframes courage. Bravery is no longer reserved for moments of crisis. It shows up in our decisions to remain engaged, to speak honestly, and to allow the relationship to change us.
Each act of presence becomes a form of devotion to a larger life that wants expression through us.
In this light, intimacy serves as a teacher. It reveals the places where we resist change and the places where we are ready to grow. The lessons arrive through joy and through discomfort, both carrying information.
When we embrace this education, love becomes a doorway to a more expansive sense of belonging.
It is a shared act of creation, where curiosity, presence, and desire shape a life that feels fully, vividly alive.
